Yesterday, on the 24th of November, the world lost an amazing boy.
He was only 20 years old.
He was my first love. He taught me so much. He made me who I am today. And even if things didn’t end too well between us, I still care for him deeply. And I am so sorry for giving up on him. He was my best friend.
I saw him about an hour before he decided to take his own life. He was happy, full of hope and excited about his future. He had plans, big ones. He wanted to be a graphic designer.
I have no idea what was going on in his head.. well ok, I kinda do. And I really believe that if I hadn’t said no to him earlier that evening, it hadn’t happened, he would still be here with us.
Minutes before his decision we spoke on the phone.
His last words were “I love you”
I am writing this because I just needed to say something, to let out some emotions, to make a mark somewhere. I can’t do this anywhere else, I don’t want to speak to anyone, I wouldn’t know what to say..
I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish I could ask your opinion about this situation, ask for your support. Ask how you want things to be, how we should react, what we should do with your stuff, what went through your mind, why you didn’t tell me!
Since I know what was going on in your head, I also know that if you made that decision, you had lost all hope. And I wish you have it better where you are, that your decision brought you the peace you wanted.
I just want to talk to you.
I wish I knew how you wanted your funeral to be. It’s funny that we didn’t talk about it, even though we talked so much about our depression and suicidal thoughts. Why didn’t I ask about that stuff? How didn’t it occur to me that maybe one day I would need the knowledge..but nobody believed that that day would actually come.
I don’t want pity, I just want people to understand that depression isn’t a joke. That even those people who talk about commiting suicide alot, are capable of doing it. We shouldn’t underestimate alone and desperate people.
Try to understand..
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